"So it is that we can seldom help anybody. Either we don't know what part to give or maybe we don't like to give any part of ourselves. Then, more often than not, the part that is needed is not wanted. And even more often, we do not have the part that is needed. It is like the auto-supply shop over town where they always say, 'Sorry, we are just out of that part.'"
Norman Maclean, A River Runs Through It
Above anything else, there is anger. It is outrage in its heart-thumping, brain-numbing intensity. Anger for the stupid choices you have mad, anger towards the weakness of your being – anger towards you, for you who are gifted with the most of generous of souls made fatal mistakes one after another as you struggle in the trap of your own making. Screaming will not fully extinguish the molten lava of rage. I am angry at you.
Why are you so bent on self-destruction? Why do you act the way you act? What drives you to commit one random act of foolishness after another? I no longer have answers. I no longer have the confidence to say I know you, for you baffle me. And I am left with my frustration, my bewilderment, my anger.
I am angry at you – for you have wantonly squandered what anyone would die to have. Don’t you value them? Or do you consider yourself too valueless to have them? I am angry at you for you have thrown away in a fit of passion, in a misguided pursuit of escape: everything that you once hold dear, everyone who has ever loved you and whom you loved. Do you think you will be happier when you discard them, when you know that your demons are your own, and will continue to haunt you wherever and whomever you will end up with?
I am angry at you.
But this anger will fade. The boiling temperature of my wrath will subside. I know this. For I do not want to hold this anger within myself. I do not want to churn with bitterness and rancor. I will be rid of this anger. For I know too that anger is a lethal brew, and it is a cocktail I refuse to imbibe for too long.
And I know what will be left will be sadness. Eternal, poignant sadness. Sadness for the lost boy i see you in your eyes. Sadness that your mistakes will have consequences you have no way of anticipating. I fear that this only lead to destruction.
I will feel the loss of our friendship, and in quiet moments I will think of you, and will weep for you.
I will feel sad, for you will not find your happiness this way. And at the end of it all, I feel sad, for who will love you?
Why are you so bent on self-destruction? Why do you act the way you act? What drives you to commit one random act of foolishness after another? I no longer have answers. I no longer have the confidence to say I know you, for you baffle me. And I am left with my frustration, my bewilderment, my anger.
I am angry at you – for you have wantonly squandered what anyone would die to have. Don’t you value them? Or do you consider yourself too valueless to have them? I am angry at you for you have thrown away in a fit of passion, in a misguided pursuit of escape: everything that you once hold dear, everyone who has ever loved you and whom you loved. Do you think you will be happier when you discard them, when you know that your demons are your own, and will continue to haunt you wherever and whomever you will end up with?
I am angry at you.
But this anger will fade. The boiling temperature of my wrath will subside. I know this. For I do not want to hold this anger within myself. I do not want to churn with bitterness and rancor. I will be rid of this anger. For I know too that anger is a lethal brew, and it is a cocktail I refuse to imbibe for too long.
And I know what will be left will be sadness. Eternal, poignant sadness. Sadness for the lost boy i see you in your eyes. Sadness that your mistakes will have consequences you have no way of anticipating. I fear that this only lead to destruction.
I will feel the loss of our friendship, and in quiet moments I will think of you, and will weep for you.
I will feel sad, for you will not find your happiness this way. And at the end of it all, I feel sad, for who will love you?
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