First Year, Section Benton

Something in me – no matter how long ago it was, no matter how far it is now – will always remain in I-Benton at the University of the Philippines College Cebu Highschool. As a 12 year old boy who was just finding out how to live away from his parents, it was defining moment for me – for it was during that time that my innocent boyhood bliss was shattered. There I was made to feel small – where the slightest mistake can elicit in my classmates paroxysms of laughter. In an unintentionally cruel way that only children can ever do whatever ounce of confidence I had at that time was completely pulverized. And no matter how long ago it was – no matter how far it is now – there are times and moments in my life that make it seem I’m back in that dingy, termite-infested classroom.

This weekend was a I-Benton experience for me. This weekend I presented a paper at a theological forum where people would come to hear what I had to say. Students, seminary professors, theologians, missiologists, pastors, and many others have attended the forum, and a number actually went to my presentation. The presentation went well. A few questions were asked, and I think I answered them adequately, but I was scared, nervous and just a few notch lower from having a panic attack. Parched throat, profuse sweating, uneven breathing – all symptoms of stress- were part of the pre-presentation moments. Of course I tried to cover my discomfort by making wisecracks (i guess stress brings out the inner clown in me). This was not the first time I’ve presented a paper, nor the first time to stand in a crowd, but I couldn’t help myself. I don’t think there was anything wrong with my paper (well, at least I’d like to think so), but I couldn’t help myself. There are just times when at any moment experiences like this would bring me back to that classroom that seemed so long ago and yet so recent.

Or maybe I’m just in need of therapy or something.