The secret I carry weakens me, but it also keeps me alive. It is a mystery that is maintained by the powers that shaped and reshaped me – the idylls of my childhood, the nightmares of my youth, the sharp sting but ultimately the slow agony of mourning, and in a profound way, the touch of the Absolute and what I have come to accept as my calling. It is a private portion of self that set the landscape of where and who I belong to, and the taste, smell, moist feel of it is continually on the tip of my tongue, unable to let go of it, intoxicated by it. I am drawn to it. I submit to its powers. I yield to its demands. And as I succumb, my life eclipsed, I am strangely reawakened in a state where I am most alive.
A disclaimer. This secret life is not of the salacious kind, or perhaps not overly so, or perhaps, not as much as any other secret held by others. This secret life may hint at untold or even unimagined shades of intrigue and malice, but most often its color seeps into the drab hues of mundane-ness. This is the color of my secret life: brilliant tones bled dry of brightness. A color that would have shone brightly had it not been kept in the dark too long, had it not been hidden by shadows. But it must remain unseen, concealed.
Until all is revealed, it is inescapable that all of us hold and maintain secret lives. For this is necessary to survive. In fact, our very own lives depend upon the concealment of such secrets. We cannot always be exposed. Vulnerability, authenticity, integrity – yes, these are noble and ultimately important virtues and we must be unsullied, unblemished, and transparent, but only to a certain degree. We cannot be always laid bare to the elements. For the world we live in is not a safe place. This is the sad truth. An environment that is contaminated is not an ideal place to be vulnerable. Of course, pain is inevitable; we will be wounded, no matter how we try to protect ourselves. Just the same, we must keep some part of who we are hidden until that day when True Light comes, flinging open closed doors, windows, and indeed secrets, and bringing it into sunshine. And, “we all with unveiled faces, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord!” (2 Corinthians 3:18)
A disclaimer. This secret life is not of the salacious kind, or perhaps not overly so, or perhaps, not as much as any other secret held by others. This secret life may hint at untold or even unimagined shades of intrigue and malice, but most often its color seeps into the drab hues of mundane-ness. This is the color of my secret life: brilliant tones bled dry of brightness. A color that would have shone brightly had it not been kept in the dark too long, had it not been hidden by shadows. But it must remain unseen, concealed.
Until all is revealed, it is inescapable that all of us hold and maintain secret lives. For this is necessary to survive. In fact, our very own lives depend upon the concealment of such secrets. We cannot always be exposed. Vulnerability, authenticity, integrity – yes, these are noble and ultimately important virtues and we must be unsullied, unblemished, and transparent, but only to a certain degree. We cannot be always laid bare to the elements. For the world we live in is not a safe place. This is the sad truth. An environment that is contaminated is not an ideal place to be vulnerable. Of course, pain is inevitable; we will be wounded, no matter how we try to protect ourselves. Just the same, we must keep some part of who we are hidden until that day when True Light comes, flinging open closed doors, windows, and indeed secrets, and bringing it into sunshine. And, “we all with unveiled faces, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord!” (2 Corinthians 3:18)
Comments
Have you read Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis? It's secret-keeping at its finest. :)