Here in your quiescent embrace, here in the blueness of your presence, I find myself strangely constricted, inhibited. It is strange for this moment is supposed to be the most liberating of my days, where every air I inhale fills my pores with the sheer joy of being alive. And yet all I feel are the shards and the splinters of the broken dreams and dashed hopes that have gathered underfoot, scratching me, wounding me. We stand on the hill where aspirations come to die, where hope meets its tragic end- and the stench of dying flowers perfume the air.
No, you cannot count the stars. Not when you are lucid anyway. Not when too many dreams have gone unfulfilled, so many stars just beyond your reach. We have grown up and given up our fairytales and our childlike fantasies. Yet the reality of adulthood, while it has its allure, is hollow and bitter. And while I hear myself mumble incoherent platitudes, they are empty and I no longer find comfort in them. The champagne of our youth have gone flat, and there is now a tinge of desperation in our hysterical laughter, and there is sadness in our eyes that the tricks of our trade could no longer erase or hide. We are coming to the end of our euphoria, and our defiance is a sad, sad thing.
In the paradox of our existence we find ourselves both hating, hated and at the same time loving, loved. I need to find release from your embrace. I need to let you go. You need to let me go. I must move on. I must seek new horizons. Let the fossils of my shattered life become the fuel of my embarkation. Let the ghost of my former life become the wind that blows on my sail.
"But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
Comments
I really like your blog. Good luck with everything.
This too, is my prayer.
Great post Pastor Bong, great post. Thanks for sharing.